A shameless plug...

My friend Allie is doing this video blogging project with her sisters called "Sister Salad." In this episode, she actually does a similar thing to my previous post and my "Aftershock" deal. I like it.

I also like her and her sisters, so you should subscribe to their channel.

More of that Stuff

Monday in our Devo-group, I asked the kids to write down 5 things they loved, 5 things they hated, 5 words they always want people to use to describe them, and 5 words they never want people to use to describe them.

It got me to thinking. Shocker...

1. I wear my feelings on my face. I like it, because it keeps me honest.
2. I am naïve, but I kind of like that about myself.
3. I am idealistic, and most people think that is a character flaw. I disagree.
4. I hate running, and I hate that I hate running.
5. I am a perfectionist, and I hate that I am a perfectionist.
6. I hate the word “special.”
7. I love people, and I am terrible at seeing the bad in people.
8. When I get self-conscious, I throw walls up.
9. I have a hard time being vulnerable.
10. I am not very funny, but I love laughing and will laugh at almost anything.
11. I don’t really like watching movies. Or movies really.
12. I love change.
13. I can be very harsh, and I hate that about myself as well.
14. I have a love/hate relationship with the formal church.
15. I wish I still danced every day.
16. I wish I were really good at tennis.
17. I have a really hard time convincing myself that people actually want to spend time with me. That I am good enough as I am. That I am worthy of loving.
18. I wish I were brave enough to be more opinionated.
19. I feel that I am at my best when I am on trips with my youth.
20. I live for other peoples’ approval, even though I know it is ridiculous.
21. I really like watching Grey’s Anatomy, because it is one of the only things that makes me stop thinking about everything that is going on in my life.
22. I am not convinced that marriages were intended to last “until death does us part,” but I really hate when they break up.
23. I have turned into such a dog person, and I love it.
24. I like dark nail polish because it makes me feel spunky.
25. I like scarves, because they make me feel pensive.
26. I think that I was supposed to live in Italy, and that somehow my parents just got confused.
27. I trust people more than I should.
28. I don’t believe in luck.
29. I am fascinated by the word “grace.”
30. I am terrible at staying in touch with people.
31. I don’t like birthdays, and I am terrible at pretending like I do.
32. I love Halloween.
33. I think everyone should learn to appreciate art, even if they don’t like it.
34. I’m not sure why I pray. I don’t really understand it all the time, but I do it anyways.
35. I love cooking, and I don’t know why I never do it.
36. I flirt with boys, but that doesn’t mean I want to date them.
37. I am really bad at forgiving people. I am also really bad at letting people know they have upset me.
38. I am not convinced that there is a heaven or that there is a hell. But I still live like eternity starts now.
39. I love being outside.
40. I hate lying.
41. October is my favorite month. I hate February.
42. I don’t like gossip, and I really am pretty good at avoiding participating in it.
43. I hate group projects.
44. I have no appreciation for school right now, although I realize I am very fortunate to be in school.
45. I am terrible at bull-shitting.
46. I live for what people think, and I hate that about myself.
47. According to a seventh grader, I think too much. Ha.

Scarves and Friend Groups

Today I am wearing a scarf.

It's not that cold outside (ok it's kinda hot actually), but I am wearing a golden tie-die scarf around my neck, and I am enjoying it.

I've realized more and more lately how multi-faceted I am. How even my best friends right now have no clue who I really am. It's weird.

The other day, I was sitting in the office with Phil and Drew and a bunch of kids, and I was showing them the newest devotional book that I had designed. They were asking me where I got all the fonts and images and what not. When I explained to them that I make it all myself, and that nothing they see from me is downloaded or stolen, you would have thought I just revealed some ridiculous secret about the end of the world or something.

Laughing, Allie (Cupcake) said, "Yeah...Hillary is way cooler than anyone knows."

I have to admit it, she is right. I am a whole lot better as the whole me, and it makes me really sad that no one knows who that is completely.

Today, when I put on my scarf, I thought to myself, "What does this scarf say about me?" I think there are some things implied by the scarf-on-a-hot-day look...I am artsy, I try to pretend I'm artsy, I'm stylish, I'm a little bit hippy...which one is it?

I decided that my different friends would interpret it differently. My creative friends wouldn't think twice of it, because they see the whimsical and eclectic side of me all the time. My SMU friends would probably make fun of me for trying to be like all the other sorority girls. My church friends would be surprised, complimenting the way I look, but thinking that it is a little different than the way they know me.

So, as I am deciding which direction to go next in life, I have come to the conclusion that whatever, wherever it is, I want to be the whole me. I want to be able to pour my whole self into what I am doing: my art, my love for people, my love for words, my love for the outdoors and exercising, and my overwhelming love for God.

Doesn't really make the decision process any easier, but who really cares.

Who even knows?

So I have a secret. I realize that by posting it, it makes it not as much of a secret, but whatever. Here it goes.

I am...

applying for...

Teach for America.

Shocker? Maybe. Most people are surprised, but then they remember how random I am, and they decide that it truthfully is pretty predictable of me. Oh well. What can I say?

So we are at 87 days, 15 hours, 20 minutes, and 58 seconds until I graduate (according to my widget). Which means I have approximately 87 days, 15 hours, 20 minutes, and 57 seconds to figure out what the HECK I want to do next. Notice I have shifted my philosophy about the F word from "rest of my life" to "next." Ha. Take that, career planners.

So there are options. TFA obviously being one, and then there's some iffy talk coming from church people, and I have some fantastic people looking out for me (Cookie Benson, Tova, some other parents...) But nothing really sounds that fabulous yet.

Phil sent me this video from Jedidiah, a humanitarian clothing company "rooted in love" (their clothing benefits various non-profits, and their mission statement is "Jedidiah is for lovers, and love requires action.") This chick is awesome. She did exactly what I dream of doing. She just did what she loved and loved by doing what she does, and then she fell into the hands of fame and success. I don't want to be famous or "successful" in the way the world defines it, but I love how she makes a difference by using what she's been given by God.

Stephen and I stayed up till 1 the other night talking. I swear we could talk forever about anything. We are both dreamers, so it works out well, and there is such comfort and security in our friendship that there aren't any hesitations or walls hindering the conversation. We talked about what we could do if we could do anything and money not be a factor. But the reality is, money is a factor, and so who even knows what it looks like to do whatever you want?

Who even knows who or what they are supposed to be doing?

Who even knows who they are?

We are so confounded by our fears, by expectations, by our emotions, that it's hard to be headstrong about your life and yourself. At least that's how I feel right now.

So I'm using Kelli here as inspiration and encouragement that doing what you love and loving what you do still exists in the career form, and that I absolutely can find it.

Is it at HPUMC?

Is it in Dallas?

Is it with Teach for America?

Who even knows...