Forgiveness: WOW, April 9

Who came to the sextravanganza this weekend? It was really good...sometimes it was awkward, sometimes funny, sometimes surprising. It was a lot.

Anyway, I had a great time, but Saturday I was in a terrible mood.

I had funk. I don't get funk very often, and oh my was I funky on Saturday. If you were there, you probably already knew that. And I hope you forgive me for acting that way.

But what you don't know is why I was in such a bad mood.

Kathleen said something that made me think about a person that I have not forgiven, and all of a sudden it was like all of this anger and hurt and frustration and disappointment took over me to the point where I couldn't even be myself, I couldn't smile. It was awful!

I was in a terrible mood because I realized that I had not forgiven someone who had hurt me. I have thought for almost two years that the actual act of forgiving this person was unimportant, that it didn't affect me, didn't affect them, was just something I could try to forget about it and move on with my life. I was hurt so bad that when it happened, I was physically sick. I was throwing up, shaking, sobbing, literally almost suffocating because I was crying so hard. I'm not talking about someone just saying something bad about me or hurting my feelings. I'm talking about someone who literally shattered my heart, destroyed my world. I was so upset that when I called my friends to tell them about it, they couldn't even understand what I was saying. I was devastated. I still am devastated. In fact, I don't think that will ever change. The amount of hurt that this person caused me was so intense and so deep that I can't forget about it, and I can't forget about the pain that they have caused me.

So on Saturday, it was like Kathleen was picking at this wound of mine. It's kind of like if you have a huge, deep cut on the bottom of your foot. If you don't take care of it, it doesn't heal right. So for a while, you may not feel it, but if you step on that same spot in the wrong way, it absolutely kills you.

So that's what happened to me…I haven't delt with this pain for so long. For two years, I have been putting off dealing with this, putting off forgiving this person, because it was just easier and more convenient that way. And, I felt like I could just push them aside, let them suffer the consequences of their actions, not think about them, erase that memory from my mind. But then, someone said something that struck that exact same place of the wound, and it was like an uncontrollable anger. I am not a moody person. And usually, if I am upset or angry about something, few people know it. But Saturday, I'll bet that if you even saw me, you knew something was wrong. I was a huge jerk. I was snappy, I was cold, rude, uncaring, unloving, selfish, and most of all, I was really really sad.

Now here I am, a year and a half after this wound, and I am wondering, what the heck do I do now? I know, and I think we all know that the Bible says to forgive everyone, to love everyone, to serve everyone, including our enemies, the people who we really just want to hate. In every gospel, it says, "Forgive and you will be forgiven." We are told to "clothe ourselves in love and kindness and compassion and to forgive each other." We were taught to pray saying, "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

But it's just not always that easy.

In Matthew, Jesus tells a story about a master and his servants, the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. In this story, a servant approaches his master with an ENORMOUS debt of 10,000 talents, knowing that he's in big trouble. The master is about to sell him to pay off his debt, when the servant gets down on both knees and begs for the master to be patient and let him pay him back. Then, the servant goes to a fellow servant and demands that he pay him the debt he owes. The other servant begs him to be patient and allow him to pay off his debts, but the servant denies him and has him thrown into jail. When the master hears about how his servant treated another servant, he says, "'You wicked servant, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" Then, in anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

It's clear in this story what we should do. We, like the first servant, have been freed from our debts when Jesus died on the cross for us. We were told that we were free from the bonds of sin. I want you to stop and think about this. Think about a person who you need to forgive.

For some of you, you may have to go way back to remember a painful memory that you have tucked away. Some of you may have been hurt today. Either way, I want you to think about the pain that they have caused you. How bad it hurt when they betrayed you, or when they disappointed you.

That's not even close to how Jesus felt when he hung on the cross. We betray him every day, we disappoint him every day. Yet, he still loves us and he still forgives us every day.

So why can't we do that? Why do we always have to be like the servant, accepting forgiveness and then turning right around and denying someone else forgiveness? It seems so simple. Love Jesus, be thankful for his forgiveness, love each other, forgive each other.

Honestly, though, I have a really hard time just saying to someone who has hurt me so deeply, "You know, it's ok. What you did was ok." I just can't bring myself to say to someone, "I forgive you, and now we can just go back to the way things were. I'll forget about that pain you caused me completely."

I just can't

And you know what?

THAT is ok.

Because that's not what forgiveness is. Forgiveness isn't telling someone that they didn't hurt you. It isn't telling someone that what they did was ok, that you'll forget about it. It isn't telling someone that you will have the same relationship that you had with them before they hurt you.

Rob Bell says in one of his videos that "forgiveness isn't always about forgetting. We always say that we should forgive and forget, but maybe forgiving is remembering."

Maybe…by remembering and acknowledging the pain that someone has caused me, I will be able to say, from a distance, knowing that I don't have to be hurt by them any more, that I forgive them.

The story about the unmerciful servant did not say a single thing about the way the servant and the master interacted after that. I would be willing to bet that the master was a lot more hesitant to allow the servant to borrow money after that, for fear that he may not ever pay him back.

The same is true for us.

Just because you forgive someone, that doesn't mean that things have to be the same again. You may never trust that person again. You may never even have a real relationship with that person again. And you don't have to. All you are called to do is to forgive them, to say "Hey…I love you, and I truly and honestly wish the very best for you." You are not called to wait around for them to suffer the consequences of their actions, for them to be punished for what they did to you. You are not called to wait for them to mess up again. With some people, we need to keep our distance, we need to have boundaries so that we can prevent ourselves from being hurt again. In my situation, I have had to tell this person that I don't want to see them, that I don't trust him any more, and that I have little respect for him. And that is absolutely ok.

Proverbs 26:11 says, "Like a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."

People mess up. Some people mess up over and over and over again, in the same way. Like a dog returns to his VOMIT, the person who has hurt you could hurt you again, this time even worse. But you don't have to be there for it. In fact, you shouldn't be there for it.

Proverbs 4: 23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

This weekend, we talked about an analogy of your heart being like a house. There are some people who stay on the curb, some people you invite to your porch, and few people are allowed inside your home.

Forgiving someone may mean kicking them out to the curb and telling them that you hope their trip is wonderful. It may mean that they never set foot on your yard again, much less your house.

But the key part is, you have to actually wish them well on their way, and you have to believe it. If you don't, it will eat you alive. You will start to blame yourself for their mistakes. You may even totally block them out of your mind. But one day, someone will ask, "What ever happened to so-n-so?" And that memory will come back.

If you have forgiven, you will be able to say with confidence that you don't know and that you hope they are well.

If you haven't forgiven, anger, guilt, sadness, pain, and a huge weight will return, and you will have to go and search for that person to forgive them.

So guys, forgive. Now. Don't wait. The longer you wait, the more you have to search to find the pain. The more the pain has become an actual part of you. And the more it hurts, like stepping on an infected cut.

I don't know what forgiveness means for you. Write an email, send a letter, write a letter and don't send it, make a phone call, give someone a hug after WOW.

Most of all though, you have to be able to say that you hope that person has the best life possible. That you don't wish pain upon them, or suffering.

You don't have to know what happens after that. But remember what happened to the servant when he chose not to forgive the other servant? He was thrown in jail.

Don't allow yourself to be held back by what someone else did to you. Don't let what someone else did to you dictate who you are or what your life will look life.

Free yourself. FORGIVE.