Wait, what just happened?

I have been faced recently with a devastating and expected realization about life:

it goes on.

Doesn't that suck? Ok, yeah, if you are getting over a break-up or unemployed or mourning the loss of a friend or just received bad news, this is a great comfort (and trust me, I have been in all of the aforementioned situations, so I can relate). However, when life is good, why would I want it to go on?

I have really had the best summer ever. I started a supper club that more than doubled in size. I have a job (a real one). I reconnected with old friends and really solidified the friendships that I have. I feel, for the first time in years, that I am content. The worst part about it? It won't last. It never does.

I'm not being cynical for the sake of being dramatic, but I really think that my least favorite thing about life is when suddenly you look around, and then you think, "Wait, what just happened?" We used to be friends. I used to like my job. I used to be happy. I used to do ___________ (insert activity that you were passionate about and then for no reason stopped doing).

I'm realizing slowly that life is always a transition--especially when you're a single twenty-something. Nothing is certain. It makes me really appreciate when things are as great as they are right now, but man does it scare the shit out of me that tomorrow, everything could change. Friends separate. Jobs come and go like the wind. New cities, relationships, adventures, all calling us to places far away from here and now. Then you're left with yourself. All. Alone.

My conclusion:

I need to appreciate myself, on my own, without any extras, as much as I do my circumstances. Buddha says, "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

When the day comes that I love and appreciate myself as much as the people around me, it won't matter what happens, I will be content. Oh, to dream...

In the end, we're all just people.

Funny how judgment works. No one wants to admit they are judging a person. So instead, we concoct a variety of ways to mask the fact that our behavior, more often than not, is focused on sizing up another person. Phrases like "I'm not trying to be mean," or "It's ok that she's like that, but..." or (my favorite) "He's a great guy, but..." I judge people all the time.

I have been convicted lately of how I categorize people and situations and my behavior in my life. I treat my youth differently than my family, my church friends differently than my other friends, my co-workers differently than other people I spend time with. All because of labels. Why? Why should where I am and how I know someone affect the way I treat them? They are all people. All people with shortcomings, amazingly beautiful idiosyncrasies, needs, wants, desires, pasts and futures. All people that I judge-sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

I have really unique relationships in my life. One of my very best friends is 38. Another is 16. One could care less about religion or spirituality. Another works as a minister. It's funny, I don't judge them. Actually, I think the coolest thing about my closest relationships is the fact that our love transcends anything worldly (age, religious views, backgrounds). To us, a friend is a friend, pure and simple. Who cares about the rest?

When I take into consideration the other people in my life, though, it's different. I treat the people in Juarez better than I treat other people in my life, because I can see their needs with my eyes. I understand and appreciate my youth more than I do my own family sometimes because I know and feel their struggles and mistakes. It's not fair. It would be like my best friends telling me they couldn't be friends with me because of our age difference or difference in religious views.

There's a girl at the office who is about 7 months pregnant. The other day we were all talking about how incredibly beautiful and bizarre that process is. In Amber's body, there is a person. Not a baby or a body, but a real, breathing, loving, soul-bearing person. She has feelings, thoughts, shortcomings and strengths. A person, like you and me.

I'm really trying hard lately to treat everyone as a person. Not as a youth, a mom, a co-worker, a close friend. I want to treat everyone as a person, perfectly created, a beautiful mess. I wanna stop acting on pretenses and expectations and start acting in love. Because in the end, we're all just people.

Live for Christ

They did it again...

Live For Christ from Dexter Evans on Vimeo.

Move

It's that time again. Mission trip, I mean.

This year is crazy! Read: 88 high school students, 61 middle school students, and 26 adults.

We have prepared, and we are ready (check out my design for the cover of the worship booklets above)! Now it's your turn.

PRAY. Pray for love, good work, attitudes, worship, safety, and anything else you can think of. Lord knows we'll need it.

Check it Out!

Today I am releasing a website, www.hillbarnard.com,

Pass it on! All of my portfolio and services are there...and I need some new projects!

Go now:

http://www.hillbarnard.com

To my Twenties

Today I turn 22. I don't feel different, more empowered, older...I just feel weirder. In a strange sense, it makes me sad. Another year, another reason to look back on the past 365 days and examine where you were, are, and are going. I guess that since I am an idealist, that usually makes me sad and disappointed. Even though I'm closer than I was a year ago, I'm still far away from who I want to be.

Today, the women I had brunch with were talking about where they were when they were 22. And then they all talked about how they would never want to go back there. I hope that, in ten years, I look back at 22, 23, 24, etc., and I say this:

How lucky that I ran into you
When everything was possible
For my legs and arms, and with hope in my heart
And so happy to see any woman--
O woman! O my twentieth year!
Basking in you, you
Oasis from both growing and decay
Fantastic unheard of nine- or ten-year oasis
A palm tree, hey! And then another
And another--and water!
I'm still very impressed by you. Whither,
Midst falling decades, have you gone? Oh in what lucky fellow,
For the moment in any case, do you live now?
From my window I drop a nickel
By mistake. With
You I race down to get it
But I fund there on
The street instead, a good friend,
X---------- N---------, who says to me
Kenneth do you have a minute?
And I say yes! I am in my twenties!
I have plenty of time! In you I marry,
In you I first go to France; I make my best friends
In you, and a few enemies. I
Write a lot and am living all the time
And thinking about living. I loved to frequent you
After my teens and before my thirties.
You three together in a bar
I always preferred you because you were midmost
Most lustrous apparently strongest
Although now that I look back on you
What part have you played?
You never, ever, were stingy.
What you gave me you gave whole
But as for telling
Me how best to use it
You weren't a genius at that.
Twenties, my soul
Is yours for the asking
You know that, if you ever come back.
- Kenneth Koch

Sittin on the dock of the bay, wastin time...

I feel that it's appropriate that the first blog of the new year be on the first day seeing my future residence, San Francisco, CA.

I arrived today in the city, and I spent the afternoon and evening strolling around. Actually, scratch that. It was more like I spent the afternoon working my ass off trekking it up and down these hills. Bay Area geography will be very good for my body fat content. I guess there are always hidden advantages...ha.

After passing through the super-trendy area (which I, of course, am now dying to claim as my home), I made my way across town to Union Square, thanks to BART. I had a huge dinner in the 30-degree corner table of a restaurant called Cafe Michelangelo. It is Tova's favorite from when she lived here, and I always get a good laugh out of her Texan pronunciation (sounds like Mee-Kell-Aynge-ello). Aside from my salad and entree, the truly Italian lover-boy waiters kept bringing me more and more little appertifs, and Franco, my Florentine server, even brought me a complimentary after-dinner drink. For a party of one, I was a blast. This city is looking good so far!

San Francisco is actually a lot like Orvieto to me. Ridiculously hilly, super nice locals who are welcoming to newbies and travelers alike, and-most of all-it looks and feels exactly as you would expect it to. Both cities are perfect matches to their descriptions.

I have confidence and reassurance knowing that i could never ever be bored here. However, to quote Sara Bareilles' beautiful "City,"

"In these deep city lights, Girl could get lost tonight. I'm finding every reason to be gone, There's nothing here to hold on to...Could i hold on to you?"


To be honest, I feel like I'm on the verge of losing myself right now, and getting lost in these city lights would be a whole lot easier than that.